My Stream of Consciousness: Women
By: Shah Bobonis
I don’t even know where to start because the older I get the less I find myself wanting to share my life with women, unless it’s a weekend at a time. It’s been a while since my last relationship and fighting was probably the major force behind my last two break ups.
I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s a rare situation when a woman contributes positively to a fight career. I’m not saying it doesn’t exist but I haven’t run into that relationship all that often. For that matter I haven’t met that many couples in general that don’t have a mouth full of complaints about kids, work, mortgages and nagging significant others.
These are all ringing endorsements for me to run out and find a relationship. That being said a man has needs and this is where problems ensue if you’re not careful. My advice to young fighters is to KEEP THINGS CASUAL.
In my experience women want sex just as much as men do but society has put this stigma on women that sex without monogamy will brand you with some type of scarlet letter. I hypothesize that it’s this stigma that goes back to the beginning of time which encourages women to seek out relationships.
I for one have no problem with women fulfilling the natural desires bestowed to them by our creator while not actively seeking out a relationship. The women that do and more specifically the women that use sex to find themselves in a relationship are a fighter’s worst enemy, ala Robin Givens and Mike Tyson. This brings me back to KEEP IT CASUAL!
I’m going to share my recipe for success when it comes to managing a fight career and women. Now I never want to hear anyone say that I don’t give back to the sport after this blog. The recurring message is going to be KEEP THINGS CASUAL.
First thing we must do as fighters is to find positive social circles outside the gym to meet women. Let’s face it, at least half of our time is going to be spent with a room full of sweaty men, for a heterosexual male this isn’t the ideal environment to meet someone.
Notice I specified “positive social circles”, being a regular at a local bar and knowing everyone’s name there is not a positive social circle. For example I moved to Savannah, Ga. not too long ago and one of my first orders of business was to join a running club.
From this social circle I can deduct that women meet in the running club will be in shape, have at least a small interest in sports, support your athletic endeavors and have a life of her own. So now that we are meeting women it is important to befriend as many women as possible; this serves a number of purposes.
These women who are friends that I will meet out for drinks, coffee or a workout are part of what I call my stable. A stable full of female friend is huge when it comes to KEEPING THINGS CASUAL, let me explain. If a horse trainer only trains one horse at a time he will put too much time and effort into the horse resulting in over-training.
Same thing with women, guys. If you have only one outlet for your social and animalistic needs you’re going to smell of desperation. Women can smell that a mile away and if it’s a woman who is looking for a relationship she has found her mark.
In my experience most fighters are in-shape strapping young men, that being said it is just a matter of time before your friends that are women make it very obvious to you that they would like to go a few rounds on the ground with you.
NEVER and I mean NEVER be the first to approach a friend for sex, this will swing all leverage to her and have you on the hook when its time for “the talk”. Now let’s say that I have 10 female friends that I see once every other week because we both have busy schedules but I keep in constant contact via text and Facebook; after a few months, three of them are DTF a few times a week….. you are all set my friend!
Now we have to have a plan to KEEP THINGS CASUAL once the mattress Olympics start. My first rule was mentioned earlier, you cannot, I repeat cannot be the one to make the first move when it comes to sex.
Making out and ass grabbing no big deal, but being the Captain of the SS Get It In is a no no. The thing we want to avoid, which is the first card a woman will pull when wanting to get serious is “if you didn’t want to have a relationship why did you have sex with me”.
We both know why I had sex with you!!! I wanted to bang you like a piñata on cinco de Mayo, duh! Now when they are the first to give in to their carnal desires they lose that card all together.
Next rule is to be a fighter from the start. What I mean by this is even if you are in-between fights you can’t make yourself too available to any one woman. When I’m not in a fight camp I have more time on my hands, training once a day and bartending three times a week leaves me with enough time to spoil a woman.
I’ve made the mistake of spending too much time with a woman after meeting them when I wasn’t in a fight camp and then once my work schedule started she got offended that I wasn’t as available as I once was.
Now if you set an early precedent and she has a understanding about the lack of time you’ll be spending with her once fight camp starts, she might be a part of your stable for a long time.
Finally this all revolves around us avoiding “the talk”. You know that talk that you have to have when a woman says, “So where is this going?” How I hate that talk!
This is very important, if a girl attempts to have the talk after the first time you have sex, run for the hills. Now if you have kept things casual and haven’t made any promises, the talk should be fairly painless, whether you do or don’t want a relationship.
The funny thing is that I feel like whether you are looking for a relationship or trying to avoid one you should follow the same rules. If a woman has put up with all the shit that I have gone over she might just be a keeper and positive support system for your fighting career.
I would suggest she makes it through two or three fight camps before believing she will always be that supportive. If you don’t want a relationship you have set yourself up for a clean exit stage right.
First, she was the one who approached you for sex. Second, if she asked for more of your time you can shut it down right there and use the “I was a fighter when you met me” card — if you followed the “be a fighter from the start” rule, you still have that card in your deck. Last, if the chemistry just isn’t there you just have to let her go and look for another race horse for the stable.
This is a small portion of content of the book I’m working on to guide young fighters in the right direction.
Side note: Use protection. That’s an 18-year trap, not to mention if you catch the wrong thing it could be the end of your fighting days.
Shah Bobonis is a professional mixed martial arts fighter from Miami, now living in Savannah, Ga. Shah returns to action June 14 at XFC 24 when he faces Jason Hicks at featherweight. Follow Shah on Twitter at @shahbobonis and on Facebook at Facebook.com/shah.bobonis.