This week’s relationship question for Frank comes from Erin in Florida:
“I have been dating a wonderful guy for several months now. The problem is this – I have major trust issues. He has not given me any reason not to trust him, but I have been cheated on in past relationships and find it very difficult to trust any man. Any advice as to how I can get over my trust issues? I really like him a lot and fear that I am pushing him away as a result of my insecurities.”
Wow, trust issues. This one hits close to home for me because I don’t trust anybody. I mean anybody. I have had many experiences of my own with cheating and being cheated on; whether it’s a former partner cheating on me, me cheating on a former partner (and finding out after the breakup they were actually cheating on me long before I was cheating on them), being lied to during an entire relationship, you know the drill.
What I’ve learned is that whole game definitely does involve the next person that you’re with. Inevitably, the person you’re with will have to deal with all the problems that came up in your previous relationships.
But, you said two things in your letter to us that really helps me understand your thought process and how to get over it. One is, you have been cheated on in the past and you are afraid of that happening again.
So, I think you should talk to this man and tell him that this is an issue for you, and then find out if he is going to give you access. Not only full access to everything he’s got – Facebook, Twitter, all that stuff – but then if he’s willing to be open and talk about those things as well.
There are going to be moments where you’ll want to know why he’s talking to a girl in a certain way, and you’re going to need to feel comfortable confronting him on that and talking to him about it.
The other thing you mentioned is that you know you are driving him away because of your trust issues. Now, I do that quite frequently in my interpersonal relationships. It doesn’t necessarily have to be with a mate, it can be with a business partner, a peer, or even just a friend.
I have learned to recognize when I am pushing a person away because the trust level is getting lower on my end and I’m becoming afraid that I’m going to get hurt, either financially, emotionally, or spiritually.
Now, when this happens, I’ve learned to sit down and explain to them what’s going on with me, why this is what’s happening, and why I’m doing what I’m doing. I ask them to prove to me that I’m wrong and that my fears are unsolicited. Essentially, I start a dialogue.
It’s very easy, once you know this yourself, to begin the dialogue with people that enter your life so that hopefully you can work with them to build that trust and not push them away. But understand, trust does not happen overnight.
Trust does not happen in a few months. It’s going to take years to build that level of trust up, but each day is going to be better than the one before. So just keep prodding forward, keep pushing forward, and take it one step at a time.
Also weighing in on this question is Jen Gargotto, author of MsMorphosis.com, a self-improvement blog for modern women and author of the e-book, Navigating Dating: A Single Woman’s Guide to Dating Without Losing Herself.
I think Frank’s experiences and advice are dead on. More than anything, I think the thing to recognize is that most people have been hurt and let down, so we’re all afraid. But, for a relationship to work, we have to give parts of ourselves.
We build not only our present, but our foundation and our future around another person. The hardest thing in the world is to know that person is out of your control. They had a past before you, and they’re going to have a future.
Whether it’s the first date or the tenth year wedding anniversary, people are capable of letting us down.
Just like you guys, I’m petrified of being hurt or betrayed once I’ve given my life and fallen in love. I don’t think there’s a sane human being in the world that’s capable of giving so much and not having at least some fear attached to it. But it is up to you how you can cope with that fear.
I, personally, have coped in a few ways:
First of all, I found an amazing partner, and I have learned (after many fights and long nights) to not punish him for the mistakes other men in my past have made. That’s not fair.
I have worked to give him a clean slate, a place where he’s able to earn that trust with the reinforcement of kindness and faith rather than cynicism and resentment. So far, he’s never let me down.
Second, I choose to trust him. You can’t have a loving relationship with someone without trust, because you will sabotage it. Emotionally, verbally, physically – somehow you will manifest what you believe. You will destroy them with accusations, you will destroy your own internal harmony with fear, or you will betray them so that they can’t betray you first.
If you want a healthy, happy, loving relationship you have to make the leap and choose trust. If they end up hurting you, you can cope with it then – but you don’t want to destroy any possibility of happiness over “what if’s.”
Third, like Trigg said, open a dialogue. When my boyfriend is texting a girl he always lets me look over his shoulder without feeling like I’m “crazy.” He lets me ask questions. He asks questions of his own, sometimes. Then, he chooses to trust me back, and I’m equally candid with him.
Building and maintaining trust in a relationship is as ongoing and important as putting gas in a car. It won’t go without it, and it never stops running on it.
I would encourage you to recognize that your fears are founded in a healthy source of self-preservation, but that your mind has the necessary perspective to overcome and cope with those emotions. Without doing that, your relationship is failed from the start.
“To those who have given up on love, I say, ‘Trust life a little bit.’” – Maya Angelou
One of MMA’s most recognized personalities Frank Trigg dishes on love and the male psyche in “Ask Trigg – A Dating and Relationship Blog for Women” featured exclusively on ProMMANow.com. Each week the mixed martial arts fighter, color commentator and MMA spokesman gives advice to female readers based on questions they have submitted. Ladies can send their dating and relationship questions to [email protected]. Follow Frank on Twitter at @FrankTrigg and Jen at @MsMorphosis.
5 thoughts on “Ask Trigg: How can I get over my trust issues with men?”
“Full acces to everything he’s got” Really? If you would have done that with your wife, you would have been on divorce #3 long before now. You should also caution your readers: if you don’t trust don’t snoop! Your partner may get angry. This could lead to more problems, it may include domestic violence.Yet another subject that “hits close to home”.
FRANK DOESN’T TRUST ANYONE because he CAN NOT BE TRUSTED. On his 3rd wife cheated on all multiple times and still can’t tell the truth. He kicked wife #3’s ass by choking her out in front of the kids……Oh! excuse me as Frank would say “allegedly” choked her out in the kitchen (probably one of the only fights Frank can win anymore). NOW that’s someone I would take relationship advice from YES? Also, in his intro he claims to have slept with over 300 women…on a radio interview he said that before I attented Nici and Franks wedding in 2007 so I’m sure the tally is now up closer to 400. For someone who has been married since he was 20? he sure has made the rounds. But in guy code which I dont’ agree with that would be an accomplishment but him kicking a 100lbs good women’s who supported his him and let him live out his dreams and encouraged those dreams (also got him a few jobs when people didn’t want to deal with him for past reasons) I call that a LOSER FRANK TRIGG!
As a fighter, roll model, husband, father, and friends that he keeps misleading. This is not someone who I would be searching for advice from but if your are looking for comedy relief then maybe read his weekly articles.
Hell he’s not even honest to himself. He lives his life like a screen play. Oh yeah, I forgot he wants to be an actor too GROW UP!!!!……Well, I guess he thinks his life is one big reality show and he plays quite the character. One good thing from what I understand all of his children have good mother’s and I know Nici and she is not only a good friend and great person, but her kids are her world and she has always been career focus and made a great name for herself in the advertising world which let Frank lived such a great life off of for that past 7 1/2 years. I’ve heard the latest conquest is 24 and lives with her mom and dad. That’s not going to feed Frank rich taste of life, because he certainly enjoyed spending Nic’s hard earned money. It’s ashame that she truly fell in love with him because he didn’t even deserve from her to like him.
FRANK TRIGG- My sister was married to Frank Trigg and he had a secret password to everything which makes you think WHAT?? That’s right….. he has something to hide. By him saying you should have access to all of that is true but coming from him is FUNNY AS HELL. so after marriage and two kids…Actually 3 Nici for 31/2 years raisded Frank’s daughter as well…she finally got wise after ignoring plenty of inappropriate text, phone calls, and emails. Oh and the condums our mom found in his pocket from after a trip from Ireland while she was pregnant. She paid more attention to his passcodes and then found out about the little 24 yr miss at HDNET that he was sleeping with on company time. (did i mention that she begged the guy at HDNET to hire him for that job in the hallway arena after he got knocked out by Matt Serra I witnessed that) She confronted him them he finally said he would call it off and that she was just a HOLE…THAT’S right AMY he called you a HOLE. But then he continued the relationship by putting her phone number under an old “coaches name” but 2am text tipped Nic off that it wasn’t an old coach and confronted him after yet again seeing a Password on his email which he call this girl Lover and said “I love you Amy” Clearly not a good family man. He has an older son who thank GOD he doesn’t act like his dad. Love you Frankie if you read this…and the two little guys will know how to treat women with respect. My family and my sister are dedicated to making sure of that and we wish while when the kids are in his care he has enough common sense to now bring all of his little girlfriends around them of course at the rate he’s going a 24 years old may not have put all of her toys up in the attack yet so they might be able to play together. LOL
Sincerest of love
Gina (Frank’s ex sister in law)
BTW you are not as sly as you thought either. While always on the computer at our house in Chicago everyone in the house seen you change screens from viewing all of your porn pics while you were acting as if you were working….we all knew you weren’t doing that Frank! Do you realize that you are a laughing stock of your own profession and to your children?
First of all coming from a man who never tells the truth or can stay faithful while married is a joke! Yet, still not divorced from my sister and still with the “one time fling” Frank referred to as THE HOLE Amy from HDNET (that’s if is still keeping her around for fun) that affair should be going on 8 months now and he is still not divorced from my sister after mooching off of Nici for years.
Although, he did give her two beautiful boys. SO Frank I guess you do have a purpose in life….a sperm donor. Problem is you can’t support them. Maybe that should be your life after fighting since the only fight you could win these days was choking out my sister. I hear they pay good money for sperm then you can pay your child support for my god daughter and by two nephews.
Amy if you read this…although you are a homewrecker, you are a victim. Hopefully, someone talks some sense into you like your parents. You should date Franks son. He is handsome and is faithful and more your age.
trigg you’re a gay cunt