In the world of traditional martial arts there are so many things wrong. First, students are taught a sequence of self defense moves designed to look effective in the world. Then, the attacker reacts the way they taught. Add those together and in the real world you are lying on the concrete looking at the stars.
In this video, Grandmaster Shamma Lamma Ding Dong from Shamma-La teaches us how to use a magazine as a weapon from the seated position. In my experience the only time a man should use a magazine in the seated position is when he is taking a poop.
Watch as he uses said magazine to terrorize a man with one terrible haircut from his folding chair. Try not to laugh.