COLD WEATHER KARATE!
Ever see a Jiu-Jitsu seminar that taught slap-boxing as a credible defense? Meet Kuntao “Realistic” Self-Defense.
In this seminar you will learn that most fighting situations start with the attackers coming at you like Frankenstein with a hard on. In this seminar of realism, you will also learn the generic choke defense of the Xinjao flying toad style. The kind that even Taekwondo teaches as legit, ’nuff said. The attacker stands still and chokes you standing upright giving you plenty of time to position yourself to 1. grab their wrists, 2. stealthily use the death touch on their palms liquefying their spleen and exploding their testicles, and 3. disappear in to the night leaving only the residue and bones of your unfortunate opponent in a puddle.
You will also learn the same back choke defense that traditional martial artists have been teaching for centuries. Frankenstein attacks from the back with arms fully extended so that you can stand with your back straight, and pull off the Lamborghini of choke escapes. All you have to do is use one hand to grab their sleeve. Note, we have surmised that this top level training is taking place in a remote Antarctic location because they will apparently be wearing long sleeves all year round making this cold weather karate technique invaluable! Just a quick, calm pluck and a bullshit do-see-do and you are free. When you get your ass kicked on the street when a movie monster isn’t the one attacking you we bet you will wish the seminar was free, too.
A prime example of what probably is a good school teaching crap techniques that are generic to every art.
RING AROUND THE ROSIE GUN DEFENSE
99% of all gun defense seminars are crap. The best gun defense seminars tell you carry one yourself or run.
In this video, Grandmaster Craptastic teaches his secret tips to gun defense. Like the one where a gun toting criminal circles you just like bad karate movies you have seen. In real life super villains will be the ones pulling guns on you right? So watch the shit out of Austin Powers to be prepared. Random Task is a bad mother f’er man. Somewhere there is a seminar for villains who throw hats because that dude will hat the living shit of you.
Watch as this dude in a gi gets a gun put to his head in b movie fashion and karate-craps the hell out of the guy ending with a karate yell and pose. Watch the video…I’ll wait.
Now that you have seen said crap, I think you will agree that anyone teaching someone the flippity-flop-florp technique to get away from a mugger who stands less than a foot away from you after circling you like a great white shark would a bleeding Star Jones in the ocean…needs to be held responsible when his students get killed.
Gun defense is serious business, no joke. This isn’t just a fight you are getting them beaten up in. This is a situation where someone with a gun will approach them and potentially kill them if they use your stupid ass-fu of a sytem. The only way someone would believe this works is if they are a devoted student who drinks your kool-aid or they are like over 99% of the population who have never had a gun pulled on them. Shameful and dangerous.
MY STYLE WORKS MAN, SPECIFICALLY WHEN SOMEONE OF MY STYLE ATTACKS!
Aside from the feathered hair this video is trash. This is what happens when martial artists start believing their own hype.
Here’s how this probably came about:
1. Teach your students how they should attack, specifically in an illogical kind of way
2. They spend years practicing how to attack like this
3. They are asked to attack their instructor using these terrible techniques
4. The instructor has convinced himself that these are the ways one might be attacked on the streets. Using their specific style.
5. The students pass this garbage on to their eventual students
They tailor these defense moves to how they want to be attacked and more specifically, for the techniques they want you to use. I mean Jesus Cristo, does this guy actually think this crap would work in real life?
This is sparring, or one-steps as people call them in some styles. This is utter bile. Traditional martial arts have always operated under the illusion that everyone else in the world should/will attack how they want and with the same brand of martial trash. This may have been true in ancient times when local schools competed against each other, but this is what is wrong with today’s traditional martial arts.
You will 99.99999999% of the time not be attacked by someone on the streets who attacks the way you trained, the same exact angle you trained to defend, and will just stand there and let you beat on them.
The multiple attacker scenario, specifically the “squeezing the peach” scenario is so bad it’s laughable. Go ahead and watch it…I’ll wait…
Still, that hair man. Epic.
PEOPLE WILL ATTACK WITH KNIVES WITH THE SAME CRAP TECHNIQUES!
First off just no.
Jim Carrey nailed the stupidity of traditional martial artists teaching knife defense on the hit show In Living Color.
The type of knife defense seminar in the bottom example of this section is so unrealistic it’s sad. The techniques they are being attacked with are the “redneck punch” and the traditional martial arts favorite “straight punch”. None of those work because the first thing that’s going to happen in a knife fight is, wait for it, you will get cut. Even legit knife defense trainers will tell you that is inevitable. These perfect scenario training seminars will get someone stabbed in vital organs unless they can do what Jim Carrey can in the above video and move them.
Here are some of the dangers of buying in to traditional knife defense crap.
Real knife defense will tell you that you will get cut, they will make you aware that the best defense is to run, and they will tell you straight up that the techniques you are being taught MAY work. Make sure you do not fall victim to fancy knife sequences that you will forget when someone is threatening your life. What will most likely happen even to these “experts” is that they will be jumping out of the way praying they don’t get stabbed.
Here is something close to “real” knife defense. He who makes the first cut probably wins.
Here are some offenders of bad teaching:
KEYS AS WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!
Seriously, what in the hell are some people thinking. Car keys have become the new “knife defense” for traditional martial artists. According to this “master” of keys, a chain attached to your keys is going to work against someone who is looking to attack you.
1. The person attacking you isn’t going to stand by and wait for you to do a bad Bruce Lee impression
2. Swinging your key chain at an attacker racing in on you or attacking you by surprise is not going to stop them
3. Have a friend hit you in the arm with a swinging key chain and tell me if it hurts
4. You get one shot with this technique and if you don’t hit them in the eyes – it’s curtains
If someone tries to sell you this crap walk away. My friend and respected defense instructor Brian Jones will tell you that a gun is the most effective deterrent. Hell, a knife is better than this so carry a knife. The keychain of doom is not going to do anything against anyone seriously attacking you. Watch this video and you tell me what you think the odds of this working on someone trying to do you harm. Would you risk using this technique? We doubt it.
In summary, be careful what you pay for. Traditional martial arts instructors prey on people who have no knowledge of how real fighting works. Research the type of defense you may pay for first, read reviews, and then make your decision on whether or not to shell out your hard earned cash.